Well... It's been almost three months since that fateful day.
Did I die? No. Did I get a divorce? No. Did I leave him? No. Am I happily married? No. Am I going to be ok? Hard to say. Some days are good; we work on our marriage, we talk, we fix, we heal. Some days are really hard and the anger and the blame bubbles to the surface. I say things, truthful things, hurtful things. The worst days are when I have questions... Questions about how often, how mad, how he may have lied one day when we were doing something, or when I think about what kind of women he was watching. Did he cheat? Yes. Did he cheat? No. It's hard to say. I feel cheated, but if nothing physical happened is it really considered cheating?
Eventually I do think I need to go to see someone to talk about it. However this is where the problem lays for millions of people going trough this, there are no "real" resources out there to help. It is like a closeted disease no one wants to talk about and discuss. It's embarrassing I get it; however I would like to talk about it to someone. Maybe someone out there has been through what I am going through?
My family doesn't know...And I am not ready to talk about it to them, (I'm afraid it will chance their perception of the man I've decided to make it work with) Its a lonely world to live in, a closeted nightmare I live in, where I want to, but really can't about what happened and why my husband was fired.
Some days we are forced to open the wounds, like when he found out he wasn't going to be getting a new job at a prestigious bank because of why he was fired. So many people out there do it I've heard. However he is the one wearing the scarlet letter on his back. Will he ever find a job? Not sure. Will this haunt us forever? Maybe. Will it tear up our marriage? I hope not.
Only hope, and a little bit of love remain. For the life we had, the love for the beautiful children we created, for the man I fell in love with and would like back. Prayers. Praying for strength, faith, hope, peace and for love. So that love can get us through this. Oh and also praying for a job, after all we need some sense of stability to begin the healing process.
Follow me though my journey...Read my other posts.
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