Let the questions roll...

So yeah, after that the questions start flying...

Anger, sadness, disgust; I practically went through the entire Inside Out movie over the next few days.

Anger, how could he be so stupid? What kind of idiot does this at work? On a work computer!
Sadness, was I not enough? Were WE not enough? Was this "picture perfect" life now good enough for him? I know it wasn't perfect, but it was ours, sure we struggled but we had a good life. Two beautiful kids, house, pets, steady job....How can you want to give all of that up...for porn???
Disgust. Just how bad is this porn thing? Is he addicted to it? I mean if your are risking your job and hiding from everyone, doing it at all hours of the day that means he's got a problem. Ohh God how could this happen?

And suddenly it hits me. It's like he's cheated and I knew nothing about it! I feel like the spouse of the closeted murderers, child molesters, rapists who had "no idea" their significant other was leading a double life. Something I've always questioned... How could they not know. Or did they?

Here's a piece that hurts to even type----Deep in the bottom of my heart I suspected something was off----And I didn't have the guts to probe and push and find out. And then I started blaming myself. Should I have been more available sexually, more adventurous, more what? What could I have done to prevent this? Is this my fault? Should I have asked more questions? Demanded answers?

Apparently his addiction had gotten so bad that sometimes he said he had to do some work; late after dinner, after putting our adorable kids to bed, after giving me a sweet goodnight kiss, he would come down and watch hours of porn. How could he not feel terrible about doing this? How does your conscience live with this? Join your wife in bed once your're done, like NOTHING happened?!?!
Other times he would wait for me to fall asleep or he would fall asleep, and come down in the middle of the night and binge eat and binge watch. I know about the binge eating, never imagined the binge watching.

I'd caught him watching porn years before this happened; every man does this I told myself. I asked him about it, trying to sound accepting and open to the idea of his doing it on occasion. I simply stressed he made sure he cleared the content because we had children, and I didn't need them stumbling into any X rated content while on the computer. Ohh God as I am typing this I am thinking what if my acceptance of him doing it on occasion has turned him into this porn monster...Again is this my fault? Well. truth is after our initial discussion, almost 10 years ago, my husband chose to never speak to me about it again. Chose to not use the home computer and risk me finding anything and instead chose to risk his job, our livelihood, home, etc to go online on a more "private" computer---his work computer. Dumbass...In the end I believe they were his choices that led to this, however I have chosen to stand by him. To go trough this with him; even though I still have a roller coaster of emotions and some days are good and some days are awful, I married him and for better or worse I will stand by him.