The good days and the not so good days

Well... It's been almost three months since that fateful day.

Did I die? No. Did I get a divorce? No. Did I leave him? No. Am I happily married? No. Am I going to be ok? Hard to say. Some days are good; we work on our marriage, we talk, we fix, we heal. Some days are really hard and the anger and the blame bubbles to the surface. I say things, truthful things, hurtful things. The worst days are when I have questions... Questions about how often, how mad, how he may have lied one day when we were doing something, or when I think about what kind of women he was watching. Did he cheat? Yes. Did he cheat? No. It's hard to say. I feel cheated, but if nothing physical happened is it really considered cheating?
Eventually I do think I need to go to see someone to talk about it. However this is where the problem lays for millions of people going trough this, there are no "real" resources out there to help. It is like a closeted disease no one wants to talk about and discuss. It's embarrassing I get it; however I would like to talk about it to someone. Maybe someone out there has been through what I am going through?
My family doesn't know...And I am not ready to talk about it to them, (I'm afraid it will chance their perception of the man I've decided to make it work with) Its a lonely world to live in, a closeted nightmare I live in, where I want to, but really can't about what happened and why my husband was fired.
Some days we are forced to open the wounds, like when he found out he wasn't going to be getting a new job at a prestigious bank because of why he was fired. So many people out there do it I've heard. However he is the one wearing the scarlet letter on his back. Will he ever find a job? Not sure. Will this haunt us forever? Maybe. Will it tear up our marriage? I hope not.
Only hope, and a little bit of love remain. For the life we had, the love for the beautiful children we created, for the man I fell in love with and would like back. Prayers. Praying for strength, faith, hope, peace and for love. So that love can get us through this. Oh and also praying for a job, after all we need some sense of stability to begin the healing process.

Follow me though my journey...Read my other posts.

Let the questions roll...

So yeah, after that the questions start flying...

Anger, sadness, disgust; I practically went through the entire Inside Out movie over the next few days.

Anger, how could he be so stupid? What kind of idiot does this at work? On a work computer!
Sadness, was I not enough? Were WE not enough? Was this "picture perfect" life now good enough for him? I know it wasn't perfect, but it was ours, sure we struggled but we had a good life. Two beautiful kids, house, pets, steady job....How can you want to give all of that up...for porn???
Disgust. Just how bad is this porn thing? Is he addicted to it? I mean if your are risking your job and hiding from everyone, doing it at all hours of the day that means he's got a problem. Ohh God how could this happen?

And suddenly it hits me. It's like he's cheated and I knew nothing about it! I feel like the spouse of the closeted murderers, child molesters, rapists who had "no idea" their significant other was leading a double life. Something I've always questioned... How could they not know. Or did they?

Here's a piece that hurts to even type----Deep in the bottom of my heart I suspected something was off----And I didn't have the guts to probe and push and find out. And then I started blaming myself. Should I have been more available sexually, more adventurous, more what? What could I have done to prevent this? Is this my fault? Should I have asked more questions? Demanded answers?

Apparently his addiction had gotten so bad that sometimes he said he had to do some work; late after dinner, after putting our adorable kids to bed, after giving me a sweet goodnight kiss, he would come down and watch hours of porn. How could he not feel terrible about doing this? How does your conscience live with this? Join your wife in bed once your're done, like NOTHING happened?!?!
Other times he would wait for me to fall asleep or he would fall asleep, and come down in the middle of the night and binge eat and binge watch. I know about the binge eating, never imagined the binge watching.

I'd caught him watching porn years before this happened; every man does this I told myself. I asked him about it, trying to sound accepting and open to the idea of his doing it on occasion. I simply stressed he made sure he cleared the content because we had children, and I didn't need them stumbling into any X rated content while on the computer. Ohh God as I am typing this I am thinking what if my acceptance of him doing it on occasion has turned him into this porn monster...Again is this my fault? Well. truth is after our initial discussion, almost 10 years ago, my husband chose to never speak to me about it again. Chose to not use the home computer and risk me finding anything and instead chose to risk his job, our livelihood, home, etc to go online on a more "private" computer---his work computer. Dumbass...In the end I believe they were his choices that led to this, however I have chosen to stand by him. To go trough this with him; even though I still have a roller coaster of emotions and some days are good and some days are awful, I married him and for better or worse I will stand by him.

The day shit got real

Friday---The kids have been out of school for teacher conferences...Fun times if you ask any mom! I had arranged play dates for one of my kids and planned to take the other one shopping for a new washer and dryer (something I'd been planning and studying for months). As I piled the kids into the beloved minivan and prepared for the day ahead I was strangely excited. Shopping always gives me a certain thrill, especially as a mommy doing never ending loads of stinky clothes. We also had a dinner party to attend to that night. I had plenty of things to do before but it was going to be a great day....boy was I wrong.

We left the store with a new "top of the line" washer dryer that was supposed to make my life great, right? Well, at least my laundry duties great. Headed home and called, emailed, texted my husband...no response. Strange, Well maybe he's in the middle of a call at work.
Came home and promptly sat my daughter at the table to do crafts while I took five to check Facebook, because yeah I am a great mom. My husband came through the door, earlier than usual, but I just attributed to our impending dinner party to attend to.

"We need to talk right now"
Shit. Well ok. What's up.
"I need to talk to you in private"
Shit. Well ok but stop it you are scaring me!
"You should be scared" "
Shit. I think I just crapped my pants.
"You are going to want to divorce me"
Shit...Shit... Shit... Now I am terrified.

"I just lost my job, for something that was completely my fault"
Here I Am thinking, well I am sure we can fix it right. It can't be THAT bad.
"For the past year or so I have been watching porn, on my work computer, at work!!!!"
Did I mention my previously crapped pants? They just got crapped on again...

What??? How??? Why???
Did you cheat???----Is that not considered cheating??
What are we going to do???
Our kids, our precious kids, innocent and kind, had their world just collapsed like mine??

Funny, how my initial response which is supposed to be the most honest right....I collapsed to the floor and started bawling. And shaking, and felt like the world was closing in on me. And I couldn't breathe. And please, please, someone needs to wake me up from this. I need to wake up!!!

No such luck, this shit is not a dream.